Meeting new people is like an unexpected gift. One day everything seems new and exciting; the way they speak, gesture, move, and think. A new person is a new world, with nuances in all its forms, like a newly opened present.
In time, you may realize that these new friends also have beliefs, opinions, and attitudes of their own that make them unique, but they may not match your outlook on life. There is nothing wrong with this, but there is a fine line between someone who has opposing opinions and someone who is a toxic person. This fine line is marked by insight.
In psychiatry, insight is a form of illness awareness and refers to the capability of patients to recognize and accept that they have a mental condition. With this in mind, and extending this concept to overall mental health beyond psychiatry, we can say that, among a toxic person's qualities, is a lack of self-recognition of misbehaviors and the refusal to seek change.
But let's get it straight once and for all; there are not toxic and non-toxic people, because labeling people as such is a mistake in which each person's circumstances are not taken into account.
Instead, there are people with toxic behaviors, and they can be everywhere, from your job to your family. In fact, I think we have all had exhibited our own toxic behaviors at some point in our lives, and fortunately, we have learned and changed from them. What’s important is deciding whether to maintain with those toxic patterns or to move forward. Let's talk more about this below.
What is meant by "toxic"?
The truth is that the term “toxic” is relative and arguably new when it comes to social relationships. It is also quite difficult to define. Toxic usually refers to poison or a harmful substance for the body. Based on this definition, certain people are given labeled as "toxic" because someone else feel negatively affected by their attitudes and behaviors.
Now, in light of how relative and broad the term is, I decided to ask a few friends how they define a “toxic person.” Here are some of their answers:
"A toxic person influences and negatively affects your life, whether emotionally, socially or psychologically. It is a very personal concept."
"They are people who do not add up. They criticize and seek to do bad."
"Any person who negatively engages in personal matters with criticism, offense, manipulation, or similar behaviors."
These three opinions, although quite different, have something in common: negativity. This means we can say that a toxic person exudes negativity and other bad things, not only in their words but also in their behaviors. With this in mind, the above concept of “toxic” as a chemical fits perfectly with the concept of a “toxic human”: someone detrimental to our mental health.
Toxic Behaviors, AKA “Red Flags"
We have all been in situations with stressful people who exhaust us and consume us to the point where we want to give up our relationship with them. Instead of adding to our lives, these people detract from us in many ways: our time, our space, our peace of mind. While not considered a mental problem, toxic behaviors can be a red flag for a deeper problem and define a toxic person.
According to Mental Health America, a leading organization devoted to those living with mental illnesses, eight traits define a toxic influence, and you should watch out for every single one:
Manipulation: Toxic people are often very good at manipulation. They may seem to be genuinely interested in you and getting to know you at first, but they will eventually use their knowledge of you to try and get you to do what they want.
They make you feel bad about yourself: Insults are the most direct way in which toxic people can make you feel bad, but most of the time these people affect your self-esteem with more subtle methods. When you feel happy or proud of yourself, they find ways to rain on your parade or downplay your achievements.
Being judgmental: Everyone can be judgmental from time to time, but a toxic person is judgmental almost all of the time. They see things in black and white and criticize anything they don't agree with or approve of instead of considering other people's circumstances or feelings. In short, they lack empathy.
Negativity: Some people just can't seem to see the good things in life. They are able find something bad about everything and they find joy in nothing. Being around someone like this can make it hard for you to enjoy life and be positive.
Passive aggression: Some forms of passive aggression include snide comments, sabotaging other people's efforts, and purposly doing something or not doing something to make things inconvenient for someone or to upset them.
Self-centeredness: Toxic people only care about themselves. They don't think about how their actions impact others and believe they are better than everyone else. Someone who is self-centered is focused on getting what they want and is unlikely to compromise or consider another person's point of view.
No anger management: Someone who has trouble managing their anger will make you feel like you need to walk on eggshells every time you are around them. The littlest thing can trigger them into a fit of rage, and often nasty, hurtful things are said while in this mental state. There may be apologies the day after, but they often are dishonest.
Controlling: One of the most dangerous traits of a toxic person is controlling behavior, such as trying to restrict you from contacting your friends or family.
More than single-minded opinions: How does having a toxic person around affect you?
People with toxic behaviors can be very challenging to be around, not just because of their controlling behavior but because they make our day-to-day lives difficult. The previous section summarizes the weapons they use to ruin our lives, but whether they actually affect us or not is something we control.
Social relationships are a fundamental piece of the puzzle that makes up life. Having friends is essential to leading a healthy life, and believe it or not, who we surround ourselves with influences and even determines our days, so having control over those around us is a crucial factor in our emotional wellbeing.
According to Rizzolatti and Luppino’s theory, there are two types of visuomotor neurons in our brains: canonical neurons, which are in charge of responding to an object, and mirror neurons which respond to seeing object-directed action.
Mirror neurons are responsible for our brain sometimes working sometimes as a mirror and repeating certain patterns or behaviors exhibited by those around us. Imagine then how your brain can react if you let a toxic person become more and more involved in your life. Little by little, you adopt their way of thinking, then their way of speaking, and finally their way of acting. All this is done unconsciously without you even realizing it.
Lillian Grass, the author of the famous book 10 Ways of Dealing with People Who Make Your Life Miserable, says that a person with toxic behaviors can make you feel ''dirty'' after you speak to them. You may sense deep inside yourself that they don't like you, or you might feel emotionally empty in their presence or after being with them.
The impact of having someone toxic in our lives can go beyond being upset by gossip or hurtful comments. Headaches, anxiety, depression, insomnia, and many other serious problems can result from letting a person with these traits into your life. Not to mention that you might gradually lose your grace and become more like them.
Bigger problems at the workplace or private life, or even a decline in your mental health to the point of needing professional help are some of the most serious outcomes of having a toxic person around. Learning to set boundaries is the only way to deal with another person’s toxic intentions and strengthen your own will.
How to deal with a toxic person
Sometimes it is unavoidable to be with toxic people because they are our boss, co-worker, or relative we see regularly. Toxic people can be anywhere; it just takes time to identify them.
It is also noteworthy that you won't can’t always completely avoid toxic people and that behaviors and opinions you don’t agree with aren’t always toxic. It is important to make room for tolerance and understanding in order to live peacefully.
But, if the behaviors become more and more unbearable despite empathizing, then it is time to set firm boundaries. And how can you do that? By doing the following:
If you know you're going to see a toxic person, think about what you're going to talk about beforehand. Stick to trivial topics and avoid deep conversations.
Do not try to change yourself in order to please a toxic person. Do not confront them or argue, and respect their opinions but, internally, do not take them seriously. You can express opinions in a gentle and non-imposing manner. It is important to avoid disputes because toxic people love arguing.
Set limits. If some of a toxic person’s behaviors make you angry or uncomfortable, ignore them. If a toxic person talk badly about someone, pretend to be disinterested. If a toxic person wants to visit you at home, say that you are busy or unavailable. Avoid communication and encounters whenever you can.
You and your well-being come first. Be aware that you are setting boundaries for your health. There is no need to feel guilty for not sharing your time with a toxic person. Changing your mind is a strength, not a weakness, and not everything you lose is a loss.
Don't talk too much about your personal life and try not to ask too many questions about the a toxic person's life. The information you give a toxic person may later be used to make you feel bad.
Don't get too involved with a toxic person and share only what is necessary. Do not give a toxic person the power to take advantage of you.
Last but not least: pay attention and know your worth
Toxic ''friends'' are more common than you may think. According to Mental Health America 2, 84% of women and 75% of men report having had a toxic friend at some point in their lives.
Mental health is not only about feeling good about yourself. It is also about having healthy friends, partners, and co-workers who seek to promote your potential and make you a better person each and every day.
The key to dealing with these toxic individuals is to be in control of the situation. Knowing your worth, who you are, and what defines you is much more powerful than what others may say about you or try to make you feel.
People who exhibit toxic behaviors tend to be the way they are because of a not-so-sweet past they are unwilling to face. It's not their fault, but it is their responsibility. As long as they refuse to solve their inner problems, you must keep your boundaries firm and high so they can't overstep.
Look within yourself and recognize your thoughts and emotions, validate them as yours and remember; do what you think is right, and most importantly, your thoughts and actions represent you and make you an extraordinary being.
When you have a feeling that something doesn't feel right with a particular person, trust your heart and acknowledge it. Don't try to change your personality to fit in with others. Life is short and we must fully embrace who we are.
References:
[1]Thirioux, B., Harika-Germaneau, G., Langbour, N., & Jaafari, N. (2019). The relation between empathy and insight in psychiatric disorders: Phenomenological, etiological, and neuro-functional mechanisms. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 10, 966. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00966
[2]Eliminating Toxic Influences. Mhanational.org. Available from: https://mhanational.org/eliminating-toxic-influences
[3] Rizzolatti, G., & Craighero, L. (2004). The mirror-neuron system. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 27(1), 169–192. doi:10.1146/annurev.neuro.27.070203.144230
[4]Grass, L. (1995). Toxic People - 10 Ways of Dealing with People Who Make Your Life Miserable. Retrieved December 1, 2021, from Drlillianglass.com website: https://www.drlillianglass.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Toxic-People_ebook.pdf
